I felt like I should send this to somebody, so I'm sending it to you.
I'm not quite sure why it is but
somehow color blue.
Maybe it's the wave that came because I saw her dance.
My sister who I love so much that my tear ducts had no chance.
Even the most simple of movements brought a lump into my throat.
So much to feel and I'm wondering if it's real or if my heart is confused.
Confused and overused as I've tried so hard to try.
When I'm not sure if me and my heart ever see eye to eye...
Well not EVER but definitely not now.
Sometimes I feel so fake...
just wondering if it's all a facade because more REAL I cannot take.
Real is scary. Real means risk. Real means making mistakes.
But isn't that better?
I feel in a sense that's more full.
Even though it's harder
I know the result is more whole.
And I want to be real and shake off this constant wall of nerves.
To really connect and be sure that I'm heard and not have to worry saying all the right words.
That's what I want but I'm beginning to feel like I block myself from it.
I. Block. Myself.
And then she/I can't get out.
I want her OUT I don't want to be trapped inside this mystery shell.
This shell that makes no sense because I know better. But it's still there and to something is tethered.
I want to find that poll
and TAKE IT OUT.
Maybe I've become a fulfillment scout.
Searching for connection when the franticness of it
Is what's blocking it out.
I still don't know who I'm sending this to.
Maybe it's you.
