My Ocean

Something I wrote for English. And I really like it :)


I remember when I was there. In those fields we call innocence. I remember knowing nothing, but being too happy with smiles and laughter to care....

This building is so big! I don’t think I’ll ever be able to find my way around it on my own. And how am I supposed to get from the Seminary building to upper ‘A’ wing in seven minutes? I’m going to be doing a lot of running. Gosh there are so many people! Is it really possible to have someone within twelve inches of you wherever you turn? Lunch comes. Oh my goodness that is NOT a line, that’s a mosh pit. Does it ever end? Where does it go? And once I somehow acquire food, where do I sit? Where are my friends? It’s all so crowded.

It’s been a while. I feel more comfortable in this place now. I know where my classes are and the fastest ways to get to them so I don’t have to run. I know where my friends go so I can meet them between classes. I also know where I might chance to pass a certain someone in the hallway. But I always feel so small when I shyly wave and smile. After one of these moments I kick myself inside and wish I weren’t so silly. Imagine how I feel during the classes I have with this person. Shrinking for close to the entire hour and a half period. Probably reddening whenever he looks at me. I don’t know because I am too embarrassed. And yet I can’t stop smiling.
I went to a football game. I know, me - football? You wouldn’t think. Of course I didn’t go for the game. I don’t even know what’s happening on the field ninety-nine percent of the time. No, I went for my friends. The cheering and jumping, the blare of the winds and the rumble of the drum line... and those smiles. The ones that make me feel like I can fly, but cause me to want to hide away. I smile back of course, but then I shrink, noticeably. Behind my best friend. I’m squirmish, but very happy.

Life goes on. Homework, laughter, friends, smiles, blushing... I’ve probably never been happier. Then it happens. I don’t know exactly when or what precisely triggered it, but my field of innocence was blown away by winds of change. Perhaps it really began long ago when my parents separated. I wasn’t paying enough attention to my own feelings to know then. Maybe it was from learning about my friends stories. Maybe it was my own. Pages of my book that I will never forget. That friendship which taught me so much. It flamed and I was the happiest girl alive. I had never felt that kind of joy before. I felt my life was perfect. Sooner than one may think, that flame got snuffed out. Maybe that’s what changed me.

I began to feel numb. About my friends, my feelings, my conversations, about everything. Nothing seemed quite as real to me as it had before. I went to each class, not knowing how to react to things anymore. I payed no attention to the mosh-pit-lunch-line. It didn’t matter to me. I was too lost in my own thoughts. I still saw my friends in the hallway and greeted them. The numbness persisted.
As I began to regain consciousness and a feeling of reality in life, I came back a different person. More careful, more experienced. I know a lot of my squirmy shyness had left. I felt older. A few of my friends told me they could see a change. That snuffed out flame puffed ashes every once in a while, trying to rekindle. But only cooling itself even more with each puff. My river of life flowed on.
Soon, I not only achieved almost complete realness, my river became a bubbling brook. Splashing, twirling, rushing - it gave me excitement. But the water was different. Like my life had become almost new. I began to love life again. Soon that long lost flame began to spark anew too.
I cannot pinpoint exactly how it happened, or what did it. My field of happy innocence and naivety turned into an ocean of knowledge and pure joy. The winds of change create waves. At times my waters know how to still them. Other times, it lets them come, enjoying that swift excitement of motion. My ocean is so real, so full of life. I cannot help but immerse myself in it every moment.