For anyone interested in mapping out my heart a bit, this one is connected to this other poem.
Once upon a time you brought me peanut butter M&Ms
Was it love, was it longing, was it hope?
Shaking with emotion as my heart tried to cope
with the realizations I was making about you.
Then in ensuing months as it threatened to come back
And I wanted to accept the thoughts with grace
I let myself feel the feelings
tried not to judge
because I thought maybe I should learn from them before they can budge.
Mixed up with those few times you asked
and I refused.
Wondering if those chances should have been used
if I was pushing not to choose
and if I should not have let us lose
what ended up being the only...
The only chance to make more of those talks on the bench-seat
(on the bench, green stripe
helping me to see the light)
DENIED.
But denied by myself or denied by an else.
So as I let the feelings flow
to observe them and not quite let go
the way I talked to you I thought would show
And so I sat in suspense.
And then nothing.
No indication of a smile, or even a glimpse of deja vu
Nothing to reaffirm the personality I was assigning to you.
To a past you
Who admired me,
inspired me
a special feeling I've been missing
why to those thoughts I've been trying to listen.
FLATTENED.
Opened so much and tapped into the past.
Past me who could talk about these things
Expecting that certain ring...
And I felt it,
Oh, it is so.
But nothing reflecting to show
to let me know
if any of the light I gave caused a glow.
Making too much of a feeling of mine
but then looping back to once upon a time
when you brought me peanut butter M&Ms.
