Fit.

it doesn't fit
it never will
so stop trying to try

convinced yourself
to have your fill
must have that reply

all this left wanting
ideas of it haunting
prodding until
you must address
and confess
the effect is still

there.
where.
trying to find.

swimming and spinning
no peace of mind
of any kind

open again
when you thought it was closed
it didn't fit
it never would
so what am I supposed

to do
to think
re do
re think
new hit
to fit

Christ Understands, Literally

My scripture study this week led me to think on some things that are incredibly important to me. They are centered around a question at the core of my beliefs--actually, at the core of Christianity as a whole. These things I explored and am about to share with you are things I have often felt I should understand more fully, things I believe in but my ability to articulate them and feel confident in my knowledge behind them have, in my opinion, come up wanting. I say "things," but it all enters on one particular, all-encompassing thing:

The Atonement of Jesus Christ.

I've had a question travel through my head several times over the past few months. That question is:

"What exactly do I believe about Jesus Christ, and what scriptural backing is there behind those beliefs?"

My thoughts around this question focus on a particular aspect of my beliefs about our Savior: the ever-important night in the Garden of Gethsemane. I've always been taught that Christ has a perfect understanding of everything we go through in life, not just the things related to sin but also every pain of spirit, body, heart, and mind that we experience here on earth. This belief has been my lighthouse in the fog of life, my anchor in storms of doubt and worry. He understands my heartbreak. He has felt my anxieties. He knows what I go through in the times I feel alone, unimportant, unqualified, or unloved. He even understands the more petty things like jealousy or boredom, and the more temporary things (a.k.a things that only apply to this mortal life) like financial worry, career choices, and even meal planning.

I could not function in life without the knowledge that Christ knows how I feel in all of my circumstances and emotions. I've taken comfort in this belief since I started learning of Christ and praying with Him in my mind and heart when I was around 6 years old. But, in Sunday School a few weeks ago, the thought came to mind that my understanding is that Christ's ability to have this perfect empathy is because of what happened in the Garden of Gethsemane, and that the actual accounts of the Garden in the New Testament don't substantiate that belief. This was a huge challenge for me, because it meant that my core beliefs about how Christ is involved in my life don't have a scriptural source. That the testimony I've held on to came merely by word of mouth from parents and teachers.

But that couldn't be right. I was sure I had found scriptures that resonate with what I have felt since I can remember. I thought about this on and off in the following weeks, but never felt directed to any particular scriptures. Or, rather, any scriptures I turned to didn't seem to have the content I wanted. Any time the Garden of Gethsemane or the Atonement has been brought up recently, I've felt a twinge of worry and doubt cross my heart. However, I've also felt an excitement and determination to learn more. This past Friday as I opened up my "Come, Follow Me" study guide, I was thrilled to see this week's study topic: "Not as I will, but as Thou wilt." It was about Christ's experience in the Garden! I delved into the contents of the lesson and found scriptures that brought solace to my soul and joy to my heart. I want to record those scriptures and thoughts here, so that I can refer back to them when I need them, but also in hopes that they can help someone else understand more about our Savior, Jesus Christ, too:

Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows (Isaiah 3:4)

He shall suffer temptations and pain of body, hunger, thirst, and fatigue, even more than man can suffer (Mosiah 3:7)

And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people. And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities. (Alma 7:11-12)

The Lord searcheth all hearts, and understandeth all imaginations of the thoughts: if thou seek him, he will be found of thee (1 Chronicles, 28:9)

This is not the first time I've read these phrases. In fact, many of them were already marked in my scriptures. It is, however, the first time they resonated with me in the way they did this week. These were the answers I had been searching for. Our Savior truly knows us. He understands everything we go through. He knows how to comfort and guide us because He has experienced it all "according to the flesh" (a.k.a in the exact same way we do).

He wants us to live our lives in the most fulfilling way possible. He promises us: "I am come that they might have life, and they they might have it more abundantly" (John 10:10). Or, if we adjust those words to have a more personal tone:

I am come that you might have life, and that you might have it more abundantly.

Connecting these scriptures to the questions I've had in my mind these past few months has given me a new understanding of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. I will not pretend I understand it in its entirety, but my beliefs have certainly been strengthened, as has my resolve to intentionally include Christ in my life from day to day. I hope you feel the same result from pondering with me.

Moses and a Unicorn

I have an announcement--I've finished all 5 books of Moses! I've been on a journey to study the Old Testament since the beginning of the year. Five months in and I just turned the last page of Deuteronomy. Due to the fact that most of the content is laws (and interpretations of laws and repetition of laws), of which I only had short ponderings not enough to create an entire post, this is only my fourth post throughout my studies. I did, however, have a couple of thoughts to share today.

The second to last chapter in Deuteronomy is Moses' blessing (a.k.a God's blessing) to each tribe of Israel. I've been encouraged to study the duties and blessings to the individual tribes of Israel before, but never found a scripture that I feel gives me much to think on, and while these verses are very symbolic (or possibly because of that), I got something out of them today:

"[Joseph's] glory is like the firstling of his bullock, and his horns are like the horns of unicorns: with them he shall push the people together to the ends of the earth: and they are the ten thousands of Ephraim and they are the thousands of Manasseh." --Deut. 33:17

I paid special attention to this verse because in a blessing from my Stake Patriarch I was told my heritage is the tribe of Ephraim. I hardly ever see Ephraim mentioned, so lately I've noted the few times that it is. The wording of pushing the people made me realize that the special duty of the tribe of Joseph (and by extension his sons, Ephraim and Manasseh) is to unify the people. To bring them together. The choice to use the image of a magical horse/unicorn is something I'm still trying to figure out, but I like the sparkly-ness it brings to the old testament.

On a completely different note:

"...neither did he acknowledge his brethren, not knew his own children: for they have observed thy word, and kept they covenant" --Deut. 33:9

This verse is likely commending a part of the tribes of Israel for their adherence to the covenants they had made, but I read it differently today. It made me wonder: are there times when we only pay attention to those who are lost? Do we only acknowledge those who are off the covenant path, thinking that all is well with those who seem to be living right? This leads me to think how I can better support the people around me, because even if everything in their lives seems to be going fine, all of us need to be acknowledged and supported.

They Call It

memory, they call it
pieces all floating, mixed-matching and coating
doating and bloating and close to exploding
searching for meaning in all that is muted
with options teeming but each part polluted

pixels cross over and translucent bend
wondering if those fragments can friend
or if what they call memory has an end
where memory itself cannot comprehend
for what it is called just means a blend

colors transparent sail from base to base
DATA.
creating a presence more face to face
BETA.

they call it memory
and some call it me
some call it you, we, he, or she
as a plea
pushing forth "identify me"
pressing and pulling till all want to quit
for pieces all going they flicker and flit

when all glassy colors fall into a pit
memory.
they call it.

written Oct 25, 2016 at 12:14am

Forgiveness in Numbers

Numbers 23.
Remember how I said I was going to post things I'm learning from the Old Testament? Well, sometimes after reading a couple of chapters it's all I can do to try to understand it in the first place, let alone feel all spiritual-magic-learning-mode from it. I suppose that can happen with any book of scripture, but I've found it particularly difficult with the old testament, particularly much of Leviticus and Numbers. So, today as I said a little prayer before I studied, I changed my plea from "help me understand what I read" to:

"Help me get from this study what thou wouldst have me learn."

And, go figure, I got something out of it! I'm currently reading about Balak and Balaam. Don't ask me to tell you which is which, because I haven't gotten that far yet. One of them wanted the other to curse a group of people for him. Israel? Oh, goodness, that doesn't sound right. Again, I'm not perfect at the interpretation part. Well, what ends up being said is: "How shall I curse, whom God hat not cursed? or how shall I defy, whom the Lord hath not defied?" (verse 8). This reminded me of the scripture: "I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men."

God has the authority to decide whether or not a people should be cursed...er, if we pick a less sorcerer way of saying that: He has the authority to decide what happens to people spiritually. Because He knows each and every one of His children. It is not the responsibility of His children to decide those things. It is not our requirement to decide whether or not a person should be forgiven--it is required of us to forgive all men.

I'm glad that the Old Testament can help reinforce other scripture for me.

Until next thought,
Kelsey

Closed

the most open of all
and yet petals stuck
always answer any call
but doesn't each pluck
each unexpected tug
pull a plug
on connection
affection

flowers so delicate they blow in the wind
something so intricate and go shake and blend

walls I thought dismantled
holding steady, afresh
built back up but gentle
is this a test?

Her Own

I was reading a great article today. It was on feeling belonging and fulfillment through our relationship with Christ. There were many things that stuck out to me in it, and I think it would benefit anyone to read it. You can find the full article here.

Right now, though, I want to focus on one aspect of it. It talks about the emotions associated through a relationship with Christ, one of which is that we will feel a sense of belonging. I feel that I've been struggling with connection lately, everything from realizing I haven't had BFFs to rely on lately to learning new twists and turns in my relationship with my husband. I've been trying to pray, ponder, and study this out, and as I was thinking about that this morning, this jumped out to me:

"...belonging [through Christ] seeketh not her own"
(derived from 1Cor 13:5)

Has my yearning for a sense of belonging been self focused? Have I been seeking to fill other's lives with joy or have I been selfishly assuming that it is another's responsibility to do that for me? It's hard not to feel a sense of belonging, but this article taught me that maybe a better sense of belonging comes not when we are seeking it for ourselves, but when we seek to bring it to other people.

A short thought, but full of things to think about.

Offering

Leviticus is full of instructions on how to give offerings. At first, I thought these were all different instructions for virtually the same type of sacrificial offering, and I found myself confused as to why so many chapters were saying the exact same thing. When I turned to my trust study guide, however, I learned that there are several different types of offerings. There are regular offerings associated with feasts or celebrations, offerings for the seasons, etc. These offerings are different from offerings that have to do with reconciliation or repentance. As I delved more into the study guide, I learned that there is a conceptual difference between an offering for transgression (or trespass against God) and an offering for sin. The sin offerings are regular occurrences simply because man is sinful, while transgression offerings are to right a wrong.

Now, before you start thinking that I'm of the belief that man is inherently bad, let me explain. The scriptures teach us in multiple places that we live in a fallen world, and are thus fallen beings. The joyous goal of this life is to learn and grow, with the guidance of the Holy Spirit, so that we can return to our Father in Heaven in a not-so-fallen state. His preference, really His Plan, is that we return in a perfect state. But, while we are here, that's not the case. We are fallen. We are imperfect, simply by nature. And many of the sacrifices that were made anciently were to acknowledge that. As well, of course, as to symbolize that the real way to overcome our imperfections is through the Atonement of Jesus Christ. Offerings for trespasses against God also have this purpose; however, if I've read correctly, these offerings are more specific as they are done when certain sinful acts are committed.

Thinking about the difference between these two types of offerings gives me perspective on what kinds of sacrifices we offer in our lives. We don't only need to sacrifice for the Lord when we do wrong things. That is crucial and part of repentance, but we also need to sacrifice simply because we are fallen and require His Atonement in order to work towards being whole. Every day. This doesn't mean that we are terrible and without sacrifice we "totally suck." It means that with sacrifice, which is essentially acknowledging that our Father in Heaven owns all we have and Christ is responsible for our ability to repent and progress, we gain more perspective into how the Lord can help us. As a result, we become (if I may say so), not-so-fallen. Or at least, a little less fallen every time we sacrifice our time, talents, resources, or anything else to Him.

Another thing I've been pondering on is how Jesus Christ is all parts of these symbolic ancient sacrifices. He is the Offering, the Offerer, and the Priest. I had always thought of us as the Offerer, so this helped me see sacrificing for the Lord in a less selfish way. 

Think about it.

In The Beginning

Two reasons for the title: 

1) I'm now studying the Old Testament. I've gone through it before, but that was in High School and not in earnest. I now have more spiritual knowledge (as well as a nearby study manual and scripture-wiz-husband) to back me up.

2) This is a new beginning of blogging for me. I used to blog consistently, and I'm discovering I miss it. I've been feeling out of sync with myself in adjusting to mommy life, so, with the start of the new year, my husband helped me make some resolutions that will help me be more in tune with myself. Here are those "beginnings":

• When baby takes a nap, open my journal and just start writing.
• Work on not automatically contradicting others
• nor myself
• and also on not interrupting others mid-thought
• When I'm at work, be at work by reminding myself that:
• I can trust my husband's parenting.
• Baby will ultimately be fine.
• There's nothing I can do about what's happening at home at this moment, so enjoy being here because I do actually like my job.
• Do something to help my body feel better each day
• Write thoughts each time I study the scriptures

That last one is the majority of the reason I'm writing this post. I want to document the things I learn as I study. Here are a few thoughts from today:

Leviticus 1:

The ancient law of sacrifice dictates that a true sacrificial offering must be (according to this chapter):

1. a burnt sacrifice
2. a male without blemish
3. voluntary
4. taken to the door of the tabernacle
5. cut into pieces
6. in order
7. washed in water

We can think about these things, of course, as they apply to Jesus Christ. He was a male without blemish. His sacrifice was entirely voluntary. He frequented the temple, cleansed it, and taught people both in and near it. His flesh was cut (or, more precisely, torn). He was baptized "to fulfill all righteousness" and was thus washed with water. As He obeyed His Father's will, all things were in order. I haven't quite figured out the symbolism of burning the sacrifice yet--maybe it has something to do with the fire of the Holy Spirit.

Another thing that stuck out to me was that the sacrifice must be "of the flock." I took this to mean that it couldn't be just any old sheep or calf, but instead must be of the flock of the shepherd. It must be dear to the one offering it, just as Christ, being the firstborn son of the Father, was dear to Him.

Soda

I adore that we got read cream soda

Because you love it so much.

It still surprises me each time

How I just melt at your touch.

Your embrace, your face, your many a gaze

My heart can't pull away

And often neither my eyes.

My eyes your cries from perfectionism pries

Because I see countless tries and tries.

Calm.

Remember.

I'm here.

Hold on to faith and don't let fear

Pull you from hope, from love, from care

For others because you know with your heart you'll succeed.

Not just but exceed.

Just like you've done so with me.

Expectations exceeded in many a way.

And our entire relationship with expectations it plays.

And still I remember your gaze.

Your embrace.

The one I melt under like no other.

And I'll always cherish red cream soda(er). ;)