Sister Soul Sister

This is Claire.

Clairence. 

Twin. 

Clairey. 

Soul Sister. 

(and the words of Johnboy) "Hey, Punk." 

Claire dear.

Sister Claire Sanford.

I have this friend. 

I met her nearly 4 years ago, 

at the end of my Sophomore year in High School.

And I Love her 

more than I know how to say.

She has been there for me through 

the most ridiculous and dramatic of times,

helped me dance and smile through life,

taught me how to be open and giving,

and showed me how to always 

give my whole self 

to everything that I do.

We have laughed.
Been artsy.
Sang together.
Been silly.
Rocked on.


Been PATRIOTIC.

Stared at each other.
And been on many
very, very long
and hilarious
carpools
and bus-rides.

She helped introduce me to the hobby
that quickly became the love of my life.

We have calmed each other's nerves.

We have gone to the temple together.

We have smeared chocolate goop 

all over our faces 

and girl-talked 

while it encrusted our skin.

I was jealous
of her cheekbones.
And her nose.

She never missed a chance
to tell me she thinks I am
Beautiful.

She was there when I graduated High School...

and I was there when she did.

Today is one of the most nerve-racking and exciting days of Claire's life.
This Wednesday,
she will leave to spread the Gospel of Christ for 18 months in Reno, Nevada.

And she had many wise and wonderful things to say about it.

"This is why I am serving a mission. This Gospel is most desirable, and I want to share it with others so they can partake with me."

"I know I will be guided to those in search of truth, a foundation, and so much more."

"When we are blind in darkness, we can pray and receive His light."

"This all feels so unreal."

"I know this is where I am supposed to go.  To share this gospel with the people there, and hope they receive it.  If they don't, at least I'll know I planted a seed."

I have always admired her courage, testimony, and faith. 

My adopted sister, I will miss your antics and your Love dearly.

But I am so excited for you.

Now go change the world.

Perfection Beyond the Gap

This is something that has been on my mind recently, for many reasons. I have learned a few incredibly amazing insights in the past few weeks, so I thought I would share them.

I have been thinking lately about the kinds of things people usually say when they get up behind a pulpit in sacrament meeting, especially since my ward's last testimony meeting.  I have noticed that, most of the time, the things that are shared have to do with the thoughts people have after something difficult happens.  There are many things to think about after a trial.  I've noticed that most of the amazing stories people share come from those kinds of thoughts and experiences.

At my ward's last testimony meeting, I almost got up to share some things that I had been thinking about.  Then I remembered what I had noticed - how people usually get up and share things after something that was difficult ends.  When I remembered this, I decided not to get up, because what I was going through at the time was very much in the "happening" stage, not in the "retrospective" or "over" stage.

I wonder why we do this.  Are we only capable of learning in retrospect?  Why did I expect myself to only be good at sharing insights if I was in a retrospective phase of a trial?  As I thought on this, I realized that hard things are easier to talk about, and think about, as a thing of the past.  This is why the sequence of events seems to fall this way.

Trial --> Retrospect --> Share.

It's pretty natural.

But, what if the trial is ongoing?  What if it is something that needs a lot more work than some fairly temporary sadness and hardship?  Elongated trials are naturally harder than fleeting ones.  Taking a test, having a small sickness that interrupts your life for a time, or even cleaning your room or doing this dishes are easier to get through than dealing with the death of a Loved one, or having to let go of someone or something that meant the world to you.  These, of course, are only a few examples, and there are many more things that fit into each category.

For these longer, ongoing trials, what do we do?  Do we tend to naturally wait for the end of things so we can pull ourselves back together and properly think about it?  This can be very hard, even near impossible, if the trial is especially long and difficult.  I  have found that sitting through times like this and simply waiting for things to resolve or get better makes whatever is happening even more difficult to bear.  So, then, instead of waiting for a time when I can pull myself together, I have to make an effort to pull myself out long enough to be able to think about it; to go through a pondering process as if it were in retrospect, even though the hard time may be far from over.

"Wait, Kelsey, so you're saying that we can pull good things out of hard times, even when they are not perfect or back how we would like them to be?"

Definitely.

Something I have come to realize is that I am okay when things aren't perfect, because it means I have something to push for; somewhere to reach.  If I remember this during hard times, those difficult circumstances become more bearable.

So, what if the trial is something you yourself need to work on?  Maybe you're having trouble slipping into doing something you know you shouldn't be; something you want to change.  Apply the previous principal:

"It is ok that I'm not perfect, because it means I have something to push for."

When I think this, what I am going through not only becomes easier, but it becomes something I start to enjoy.  Not because I particularly like hard things, but because I Love learning.  I am happy when I see myself progress.

So, how do we reach through the gap between where we are and where we want to be?  As I was studying on this over the past couple weeks, I learned a few things that I would like to share with you.  First of all, this Perfection Beyond the Gap tends to become something we look for - even to the point of expectation.

Here's the thing about expectations, they are almost always unrealistic.

We tend to expect a lot of our circumstances, and especially a lot of ourselves.  What we expect can seem so far away that it is unreachable; the gap too broad.  We want to be able to be proud of ourselves, naturally.  We want those around us to be proud of us, too.  Our friends, our teachers, our coaches, our employers, our parents...  Expectations always seem to be so very high.  Something I have realized as of late is that there is really only one expectation we need to focus on.  One friend we need to turn to for our personal validation and affirmation.

This friend is our Heavenly Father.

"Security" by David Bowman

In Mary N. Cook's talk in the Young Women's Conference in April, she told the story of a girl named Kate.  Kate's father died when she was very young, and throughout her life she was constantly striving to make choices that would make him proud.  In discussing this, Sister Cook acknowledged:

"Kate knew that her father was aware of her choices, and she didn't want to disappoint him."

As we go through our trials, both inward, personal trials and those found in the circumstances around us, there are many expectations we feel we need to meet - many people we want to try our hardest not to disappoint, including ourselves.

It is very hard to pull through these trials while pushing through the gap toward the perfection in our expectations.  But, if we can find a way to pull ourselves out, rather than wait for a time when we can pull ourselves together, and ponder what is going on while it is happening, it will make us stronger and more able to get where we want to go.  As we ponder on the things we are going through, let us remember the conviction Kate had, and where she got her motivation.  Let us say to ourselves

"I know that my Father is aware of what I am doing, and I don't want to disappoint Him."

Let His expectations for you be the only ones that matter.  Strive to make it to the next step He puts in front of you.  He is a perfect friend who will be there for you one-hundred-percent, 100% of the time.  Rely on His guidance, and lean on His Love.  He will help you learn THROUGH your trials, not only after them.  He will aid you to the Perfection Beyond the Gap.

I know this, because today I am still not in the "retrospect" stage of what I am going through.  I am often frustrated with myself for my seeming stumped and stuck state, but I have let our Father, my Father, help pull me out so that I can still learn, progress, and feel whole.

 I have felt the reality of all of this, especially in the past few weeks.

He Loves you.  Let Him be your guide, and His steps will lead you toward the joy and perfection you are seeking.

We.

I wrote this on Thanksgiving this past November, and I just realized I never put it on here!
It's a happy poem. It makes me smile :)

We.
Adventure and Love
Comfort and Fun
Realizing life has only just begun

Time to sleep
Time to play
A chance to get carried away

Colors of seasons,
Nature, and clothes
Leaves in a pile
And when the wind blows

Hope for a better tomorrow
Strength of others when I can only borrow

The Spirit and values I can hold true
But, what I am most grateful for
Is YOU.

You who brighten my every day
Who have so much bettered my life
Those I will remember when I'm old and gray
Every laugh, chat, walk, and even strife

Shouts of "good morning!" when I crawl out of bed
How we can't help but laugh at something we said
Much needed talks far into the night
Crying and yelling at the T.V. screen? Just might.
With me through both joyful and tough
How thankful I am, I cannot say enough

I Love you, my friends, who have helped make me Me.
I am happy to say that we are We.

Nach Neun Jahren

The foreign words of this post title are in honor of a very excellent friend of mine. This young man has had many names here, including Gordo, BoyOfMyDreams, and later just Dream.  He chose all of these names, and they all have served their purpose and fit, somehow.

This is Jordan Stout.

We have been friends for just over 9 years.

All friendships that last this long have rough spots.  They all have times where the two don't get along, don't agree with each other, or even stop talking for months.
But they are also all filled with support, Love, trust, growth,

and a kind of beauty and joy that cannot be found from anything else in existence.

This guy has been and always will be such a powerful influence on my life.
He instilled in me a Love of poetry and writing.
He taught me how to properly fuss with the things inside me until I finally figure them out.
He showed me how to rely on the Lord in seemingly impossible situations.
He was one who helped me be excited about scripture study.
And, several times, through various methods, he let me know how important I am in his life.
Jordan is good at that.

"I'm really glad I have someone I can tell all my secrets to."
"I'm glad I can tell you anything."
"Du bist schon, Kelsey."
"Oh, I don't need an excuse."


"You have been such an example to me.  Your warm spirit has been a blessing all these years, and your recent words made me cry.  Thank you for everything, and know that I love you and pray for your well-being.  Really, really thank you."

As we have grown up together, I have watched Jordan become a spiritual giant, and a reliable, astounding, and incredibly caring Priesthood holder.  He has been through and done a lot to get where he is, always striving to include the Lord in every decision and deed.  His spirit and light shine so vividly, effecting the lives of those he encounters.  This will only continue as he takes on the opportunity that is presented to him now.

Jordan will be serving the Lord for two years in the place he has always dreamed of going: Frankfurt, Germany.
His farewell was today, and - as always - his words were inspiring and unforgettable.

"This life, whatever you are doing, is good.  Even with all the trials and pain and doubt, it is still good."
"Let me share something with the fearful.  It is ok to change yourself - through Christ.  Give Him whatever fear you have, and He will heal you."
"You cannot give up.  He knows you, He Loves you.  He has already suffered for you.  Promise me you wont give up."


"Our adventures together still await us, and it will be a wonderful time."

"Thank you for everything."

Right back atcha, Elder Stout.

I'm more proud of this guy than I know how to express.

See you in two.

Nectar

I was reminded of this word the other day.
My spastic computer tech teacher, Mr. Eady, introduced our class to it.
In 9th grade.
According to him, "nectar" is a better way to say "cool" or "sweet" or "awesome."  I guess that California surfer guys in his growing up years used it.

Nectar.

I remembered liking this word very much. It made me smile.
But why the title for this post? Two reasons. One, because it is something from years ago, and as such it is a sign of the remembering that has gone on for me this week.

Remembering my years in High School as I think about the crazy truth that my little sister is graduating.
Remembering what I was like my freshman year in college, two years ago, and how much I have changed since them.
And especially...
Trying to remember the lessons I have learned thus far in my life
and remember to apply them so that I don't have to go through again what made me learn them in the first place.

Secondly, because this weekend has been pretty coolsweetawesome - so, nectar.

Let's start on Thursday.

I had the opportunity to help out with BYU Freshman Jumpstart.  Leading little tours and trying my best to answer questions was, although a little intimidating, very fun.

We even created a FirstYearExperience/Mentoring mascot.

This is Agnes. Courtesy of Monica.

On Friday, I helped Michilli at Jumpstart. Oh, sister. I'm super excited for you to come to BYU.

Later that night, my new little posse went mini-golfing at Trafalga.  I attacked Erin when I saw her.

I missed that woman.

On Saturday, we went on a kayaking trip down Provo River. It was absolutely fantastic! At first, I was terrified because of all of the warnings the river guide gave us as we drove to the launch point.  But, the river was fairly calm so I really had nothing to worry about. I did hit trees a few times, but this only resulted in minor scratches.

After kayaking, we all went to Ben's and had pancakes - followed by the usual shenanigans.
It's always a blast with these people. They have brought so much happiness into my life.


As Saturday was the Three Year Friendaversary of this little cutie and myself, I interrupted her studious EHS evening to visit with her.
We discovered that we need to hang out much more often than we have been. So many stories unshared, so many laughs and quirks dearly missed.

Today. Today has been relaxing, fun, and all around wonderful.  This morning, I went to a french-toast breakfast at the Ivy House. Delicious.

I also helped Paula watch little Simon.  He's such a great 2-year-old.

Then, some wardies and others went to Rock Canyon park to play.

Football launching and a colored water balloon fight.

Blue team got me.

After that?  I lazed around, wrote in my journal, found something to eat, did dishes...

...and had a marvelous pop-sickle break with  our neighborhood Indiana Jones/BYU Cowboy. (Hat courtesy of the roommate.)

All in all, much happiness has come of the past few days.
Thank you to all who made it possible.

Loves,
Kiki

Click.

In a box, a lock

Closed and clipped.

If heard a knock

Trained to slip

Click for an inward hiding

Where the keeper is abiding

Click while there is still a shinning

Attempt to portray without pining

Indication

Expectation

Make it live

Respiration

Alternate

Obligate

What to give

Obliterate

An inconsistent weave

Up, in, down, through

Must open to retrieve

What is held true

There to change

Or rearrange

Box uncover

Danger hover

Click.

A sound from which part will flee

Flick.

A need for the proper key

Ruffin' It.

Ruff. Bark.
I used to think I was meant to be a dog. I often forget this, but between the ages of around five and eleven I believed in reincarnation.  The first evidence of that was that when I heard the song that goes "Where you there, where you there, on that Christmas night...?" I responded:
"I was there! When I was a tree."
The second evidence of it was that I would always insist upon being the dog when my friends and I played house. Why? Because I was quite convinced that I used to be one, that I somehow had a doggy soul inside me.
So there's that.
I was reminded of this over the weekend, when I was on one of the best trips of my life. We happened to be on the topic of spirit animals.




Which made me incredibly curious whether or not I could actually find what mine is.
Maybe one day.






Anyway, this fantastic trip I was on. Let me tell you about it.

I went to Moab with six of the best people in existence.  We climbed arches, explored canyonlands, bought ice cream, ate lots of nuts and oranges, definitely did not get scurvy, and just as definitely had plenty of good times and bonding moments.

The day we traveled out was full of the usual: packing, deciding who would go in which car, listening to music and other road-trip-like things.
It also consisted of some of the not-so-usual: Things like "Oh, Cathy!" and reveling in a newly discovered common love for the music of Alabama.

We got to Moab late enough that many of the campsites were full.  We managed to find some overflow camping - hallelujah - where we could set ourselves and our belongings for the night.  And set we did.

The next morning, we woke when our bodies decided to get up - which was surprisingly early; around 7:30AM.  Really roughin' it.  We had a breakfast of muffins and oranges, then began our quest for a proper campsite.  We soon found one where the current residents were about to depart.  We then moved our camp, which was an adventure in and of itself, let me tell you.  We attempted to cause the need for as little re-setting up as possible, and thus were carrying half-collapsed tents across the street and down the campground.  At first, us girls were carrying our tent upright, by the poles. We looked like we could have been carrying a Sultan in there.  It was quite the sight to see.

After setting up, Becky made us ladies feel like we were at girls' camp again by french braiding our hair.  She was nice enough to do this more than once throughout the trip.

We all looked fab, of course.









And then we were off.

On the first day, we explored Arches. 

On the second day, Canyonlands.















Both days were full of discovery and trail-blazing.  Only, we didn't always blaze *on* the trail.  We only went on four official hikes during our time there, but we made our own route and climbed into the unknown so often that our hikes probably ended up being twice as long as they were originally.

We climbed rocks and arches that looked and felt quite dangerous.  Nicole scared us with her daring adrenalin bursts.  Patrice took lots of lovely - and not so lovely - pictures, and was generally prepared for just about everything.  We were serenaded by the angel voices of Ben and Brett with songs from Aida, by Michael Buble, and other wonderful selections.

Kamree conquered her fear of heights and climbed all over the place.  Brett demonstrated ultimate gentlemanly-ness by staying behind during the tricky climbing to make sure all of us got through safely.

I caused a scare by trying to hop my way to finding an alternate access point to the double arch, - hoping to find something more simple than this little diddy>>





...and ending up on the taller of the two arches, probably over 100 feet above the ground.  That arch is now infamous because of how windy and scary it was.







And I was Loving every bit of it.










At hiking's end, we were probably all a little dehydrated - despite the Costco pack of water we went through - and we had swollen fingers.  Which I still don't quite understand.

Friday night was full of hanging around the Colorado River...

...or in it - crazy boys

...roasting dogs and 'mallows, and laying in a circle looking up at the cloud-covered sky.  It was all very rejuvenating.
We discovered that we had some pretty neat-o neighbors, who apparently had a heaping supply of neat-o liquor, which was politely declined.  Neat-o.
After the shenanigans, we all went to sleep.  The girls in the tent, Brett in his hammock, and Ben on the picnic table (the boys' tent was being uncooperative).

Then came "the hurricane."  A few hours after we were all asleep, it began to rain.  Just little drips, but it was also incredibly windy.  The blusteringness of it shook our tent so much that we all woke up.  I heard Brett groan and mumble something, but was too out of it to realize what it was.  A few minutes later, I hear Ben and Brett rustling around outside.  The other girls and I woke up and discovered that they were putting up the rain-cover for our tent.


What champions.

"It only started raining a little, but I knew it could get ugly fast."  Brett responded when we commented on their heroic deeds.

Seriously, though - a couple of really swell guys.  They were genuinely concerned for our well-being the entire trip.  They are truly amazing, and I'm very glad I know them.






The next day was much like the first.
We hiked to a couple of lookout points that made us feel like we were standing on Pride Rock looking down into Mordor...

did Yoga on Whale Rock...

...and then went to town for gas and food before the trek home.

Can I just say, we gave poor Jon at Cabo's a really hard time.

---If I don't normally eat fish, will I like these?

---Will this fill me up?

---Excuse me, I have another question...

---Becky smiles.

 But, he seemed to think we were a hoot, so I suppose all is well.  Who knew there was such a thing as Big Boy Nachos and Man Sauce (props to Brett for actually drinking the stuff).

We finished up exploring town by ooh-ing and aah-ing over color changing sun-wear, strange sweaters, dirt-shirts, drug-rugs, and interesting horse paintings.

Then we piled in cars to head home.

I Love this bunch of goofs, so incredibly much.  Thank you for such a fun time.  I needed this trip more than you will probably ever know.

Fray

How many breaks
Can the same string take
Before it simply stops working?
No matter the trends
Or numberless mends
Still a constant lurking

Easy prey for one snip to fray
In no time begin to unravel
Resonance strays and power plays
From that which will always travel

Where notes will not reach
But it's presence exists
Each melody will teach
As the instrument twists

Each twist pulling over and under
The segments which were shaken asunder
Keenly, acutely
Tangled astutely

Broken ends reaching every direction
Pieces newly bound
The unraveled now seeking perfection
Prone to come unwound.

Mulling Metaphors

Casserole. 
This is reminscent of a term I have used before - emotional smoothie.  Why these terms?  Because they indicate mixed emotions which are potentially complicated and very difficult to dig into, analyze, and come out of in a state of sanity.  Why do I decide to use food for these things?  I'm perfectly capable of coming up with cleaner analogies, to be sure.  But that's just the thing - emotional smoothies (or casseroles) are anything but clean.  They can be unattractive if they are not concocted correctly, and definitely a big mess if they are ever spilled.
Why a casserole, then?  Emotional smoothies look uniform because of the fact that they are blended.  In casseroles, on the other hand, you can usually see the pieces they consist of distinctly.  This should mean that a casserole is easier to "pick apart" - well, maybe yes, but also potentially much harder to digest.

Mull that metaphor over if you so desire.

Many things have been going through my head as of late.  I have had trouble focusing because of them.  As I have been trying to pick apart and digest these many things, I have realized that a lot of the poems I have created in the past - and all of the thoughts behind them - can be combined to describe the current state of my mind and of my heart.

So I have linked my thoughts to those poems. (Literally, linked.  As in hyperlink.  Feel free.)

One thought that has been on repeat in my mind is that I fall short of the things I need to do, be, and become.  That I am not enough.  Then there comes a wondering of the honesty of the words I here.  On top of this, the tension created in certain situations - a tension that exists because of my inability to conquer my own emotional wall.  After all of that, I am filled with the hope that things will turn out all right, the tension subside, and that clarity will return.  As I invite the Lord into my mind and thoughts, this hope turns into a comforting assurance, and leads to a feeling of determination to become the way I need to be in order to succesfully continue.

This determination leads to a feeling of a new start, a new beginning.  This is generally a good thing, but can be frustrating when one doesn't quite know how to pick up and start afresh.  It is like my heart and mind are keeping secrets from me, and I have next to no idea how to find them.

Then I am reminded...
...to invite, like I mentioned before
...of the people around me who Love me and are aware just how to help
...that I have found ways in the past to figure out how to start afresh, and that I am capable of doing it.

The fact that my current state of being seems to be a combination of all of my emotional smoothies of the past is a bit overwhelming.  A combination of smoothies?  That definitely does not sound like a very appealing casserole.

Trust me, it isn't.

But I am figuring out how to choose the correct ingredients to make the best kind of casserole.  It will be a result of newfound knowledge and practice.  I'm not sure exactly how long it will take to perfect its recipe, but I have a feeling I already have a fairly good start.

Here's another issue, though.  How does something made of strings create a casserole?

Because I'm still in that state of being as well.

Strings

A violin and its perfect sound take time to tune just right
To resonate and come out full
And when each is stretched - but not too tight
The song is guaranteed to pull

On a heart-string
A clearer, stronger
Beat.
Never before such singing
That would each dissonant
Defeat.

Each note hums along
Deepened mote
Bridge drawn

Built inside our natures to seek
Similarly innate to let it leak
Feasible when it leaves a piece broken
This irreplaceable, priceless token

There is a problem with strings
They are breakable things
Too wound and snap they must
Leaving a note-less dust

Let the air flow through your veins
Any spill forever stains
Is it melting when it rains?
Rinsing out the dusty pains

A custom bow made string by string
A new tune
Begins to sing
Is it too soon
To let it ring?

Feasible that it leaves a string broken
This irreplaceable, priceless token