They Call It

memory, they call it
pieces all floating, mixed-matching and coating
doating and bloating and close to exploding
searching for meaning in all that is muted
with options teeming but each part polluted

pixels cross over and translucent bend
wondering if those fragments can friend
or if what they call memory has an end
where memory itself cannot comprehend
for what it is called just means a blend

colors transparent sail from base to base
DATA.
creating a presence more face to face
BETA.

they call it memory
and some call it me
some call it you, we, he, or she
as a plea
pushing forth "identify me"
pressing and pulling till all want to quit
for pieces all going they flicker and flit

when all glassy colors fall into a pit
memory.
they call it.

written Oct 25, 2016 at 12:14am

Forgiveness in Numbers

Numbers 23.
Remember how I said I was going to post things I'm learning from the Old Testament? Well, sometimes after reading a couple of chapters it's all I can do to try to understand it in the first place, let alone feel all spiritual-magic-learning-mode from it. I suppose that can happen with any book of scripture, but I've found it particularly difficult with the old testament, particularly much of Leviticus and Numbers. So, today as I said a little prayer before I studied, I changed my plea from "help me understand what I read" to:

"Help me get from this study what thou wouldst have me learn."

And, go figure, I got something out of it! I'm currently reading about Balak and Balaam. Don't ask me to tell you which is which, because I haven't gotten that far yet. One of them wanted the other to curse a group of people for him. Israel? Oh, goodness, that doesn't sound right. Again, I'm not perfect at the interpretation part. Well, what ends up being said is: "How shall I curse, whom God hat not cursed? or how shall I defy, whom the Lord hath not defied?" (verse 8). This reminded me of the scripture: "I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men."

God has the authority to decide whether or not a people should be cursed...er, if we pick a less sorcerer way of saying that: He has the authority to decide what happens to people spiritually. Because He knows each and every one of His children. It is not the responsibility of His children to decide those things. It is not our requirement to decide whether or not a person should be forgiven--it is required of us to forgive all men.

I'm glad that the Old Testament can help reinforce other scripture for me.

Until next thought,
Kelsey

Closed

the most open of all
and yet petals stuck
always answer any call
but doesn't each pluck
each unexpected tug
pull a plug
on connection
affection

flowers so delicate they blow in the wind
something so intricate and go shake and blend

walls I thought dismantled
holding steady, afresh
built back up but gentle
is this a test?

Her Own

I was reading a great article today. It was on feeling belonging and fulfillment through our relationship with Christ. There were many things that stuck out to me in it, and I think it would benefit anyone to read it. You can find the full article here.

Right now, though, I want to focus on one aspect of it. It talks about the emotions associated through a relationship with Christ, one of which is that we will feel a sense of belonging. I feel that I've been struggling with connection lately, everything from realizing I haven't had BFFs to rely on lately to learning new twists and turns in my relationship with my husband. I've been trying to pray, ponder, and study this out, and as I was thinking about that this morning, this jumped out to me:

"...belonging [through Christ] seeketh not her own"
(derived from 1Cor 13:5)

Has my yearning for a sense of belonging been self focused? Have I been seeking to fill other's lives with joy or have I been selfishly assuming that it is another's responsibility to do that for me? It's hard not to feel a sense of belonging, but this article taught me that maybe a better sense of belonging comes not when we are seeking it for ourselves, but when we seek to bring it to other people.

A short thought, but full of things to think about.

Offering

Leviticus is full of instructions on how to give offerings. At first, I thought these were all different instructions for virtually the same type of sacrificial offering, and I found myself confused as to why so many chapters were saying the exact same thing. When I turned to my trust study guide, however, I learned that there are several different types of offerings. There are regular offerings associated with feasts or celebrations, offerings for the seasons, etc. These offerings are different from offerings that have to do with reconciliation or repentance. As I delved more into the study guide, I learned that there is a conceptual difference between an offering for transgression (or trespass against God) and an offering for sin. The sin offerings are regular occurrences simply because man is sinful, while transgression offerings are to right a wrong.

Now, before you start thinking that I'm of the belief that man is inherently bad, let me explain. The scriptures teach us in multiple places that we live in a fallen world, and are thus fallen beings. The joyous goal of this life is to learn and grow, with the guidance of the Holy Spirit, so that we can return to our Father in Heaven in a not-so-fallen state. His preference, really His Plan, is that we return in a perfect state. But, while we are here, that's not the case. We are fallen. We are imperfect, simply by nature. And many of the sacrifices that were made anciently were to acknowledge that. As well, of course, as to symbolize that the real way to overcome our imperfections is through the Atonement of Jesus Christ. Offerings for trespasses against God also have this purpose; however, if I've read correctly, these offerings are more specific as they are done when certain sinful acts are committed.

Thinking about the difference between these two types of offerings gives me perspective on what kinds of sacrifices we offer in our lives. We don't only need to sacrifice for the Lord when we do wrong things. That is crucial and part of repentance, but we also need to sacrifice simply because we are fallen and require His Atonement in order to work towards being whole. Every day. This doesn't mean that we are terrible and without sacrifice we "totally suck." It means that with sacrifice, which is essentially acknowledging that our Father in Heaven owns all we have and Christ is responsible for our ability to repent and progress, we gain more perspective into how the Lord can help us. As a result, we become (if I may say so), not-so-fallen. Or at least, a little less fallen every time we sacrifice our time, talents, resources, or anything else to Him.

Another thing I've been pondering on is how Jesus Christ is all parts of these symbolic ancient sacrifices. He is the Offering, the Offerer, and the Priest. I had always thought of us as the Offerer, so this helped me see sacrificing for the Lord in a less selfish way. 

Think about it.

In The Beginning

Two reasons for the title: 

1) I'm now studying the Old Testament. I've gone through it before, but that was in High School and not in earnest. I now have more spiritual knowledge (as well as a nearby study manual and scripture-wiz-husband) to back me up.

2) This is a new beginning of blogging for me. I used to blog consistently, and I'm discovering I miss it. I've been feeling out of sync with myself in adjusting to mommy life, so, with the start of the new year, my husband helped me make some resolutions that will help me be more in tune with myself. Here are those "beginnings":

• When baby takes a nap, open my journal and just start writing.
• Work on not automatically contradicting others
• nor myself
• and also on not interrupting others mid-thought
• When I'm at work, be at work by reminding myself that:
• I can trust my husband's parenting.
• Baby will ultimately be fine.
• There's nothing I can do about what's happening at home at this moment, so enjoy being here because I do actually like my job.
• Do something to help my body feel better each day
• Write thoughts each time I study the scriptures

That last one is the majority of the reason I'm writing this post. I want to document the things I learn as I study. Here are a few thoughts from today:

Leviticus 1:

The ancient law of sacrifice dictates that a true sacrificial offering must be (according to this chapter):

1. a burnt sacrifice
2. a male without blemish
3. voluntary
4. taken to the door of the tabernacle
5. cut into pieces
6. in order
7. washed in water

We can think about these things, of course, as they apply to Jesus Christ. He was a male without blemish. His sacrifice was entirely voluntary. He frequented the temple, cleansed it, and taught people both in and near it. His flesh was cut (or, more precisely, torn). He was baptized "to fulfill all righteousness" and was thus washed with water. As He obeyed His Father's will, all things were in order. I haven't quite figured out the symbolism of burning the sacrifice yet--maybe it has something to do with the fire of the Holy Spirit.

Another thing that stuck out to me was that the sacrifice must be "of the flock." I took this to mean that it couldn't be just any old sheep or calf, but instead must be of the flock of the shepherd. It must be dear to the one offering it, just as Christ, being the firstborn son of the Father, was dear to Him.

Soda

I adore that we got read cream soda

Because you love it so much.

It still surprises me each time

How I just melt at your touch.

Your embrace, your face, your many a gaze

My heart can't pull away

And often neither my eyes.

My eyes your cries from perfectionism pries

Because I see countless tries and tries.

Calm.

Remember.

I'm here.

Hold on to faith and don't let fear

Pull you from hope, from love, from care

For others because you know with your heart you'll succeed.

Not just but exceed.

Just like you've done so with me.

Expectations exceeded in many a way.

And our entire relationship with expectations it plays.

And still I remember your gaze.

Your embrace.

The one I melt under like no other.

And I'll always cherish red cream soda(er). ;)

Chipped

chipped nail polish still makes a beautiful shape

I'm surprised I've punched through from that land of escape

punched through? or overcome or ignored for my heart has implored

that I not get stuck there again. Because stuck I was but

not all of my own accord. 

Pulled in and trapped but have you gotten out before?

Or was that furthering into escape even more?

You're scared of that word.

The one you were reminded of with the chipped red polish.

It's messy. It looks broken but somehow still feels classy.

But not so much that it's stifled, for cracks let light in.

Receive it. 

Let that shining red word lead instead of fear.

You know yourself enough so let yourself be it.

You know enough.

About you. About him. About Him.

To move forward.

Polish still chipped,

But fingers equipped.

It all still works, you discovered when the switch was flipped.

Flipped by realizations, his and yours.

When fear wanted to trampoline-bounce the emotions he pours

But you wanted to let it open the doors -- and it did, oh it did!

With words so sincere and anxiety thick on both ends.

It's interesting though from it your heart needed no amends.

It was welcome. Is welcome.

The thought draws you in.

And you dare to imagine how that red feels on your skin.

It's new and nostalgic all at the same time

You keep needing to convince yourself it's no crime

To let it come through the cracks and be part of the chips

To let your heart brighten because of the switch he flips.

And maybe the chips will turn into clicks.

Connections that sew and so together clip.

So let your mind flip

and your heart take a dip

as you choose to fully immerse

in this trip.

Sent

 I felt like I should send this to somebody, so I'm sending it to you.

I'm not quite sure why it is but

somehow color blue.

Maybe it's the wave that came because I saw her dance.

My sister who I love so much that my tear ducts had no chance.

Even the most simple of movements brought a lump into my throat.

So much to feel and I'm wondering if it's real or if my heart is confused.

Confused and overused as I've tried so hard to try.

When I'm not sure if me and my heart ever see eye to eye...

Well not EVER but definitely not now.

Sometimes I feel so fake...

just wondering if it's all a facade because more REAL I cannot take.

Real is scary. Real means risk. Real means making mistakes.

But isn't that better?

I feel in a sense that's more full.

Even though it's harder

I know the result is more whole.

And I want to be real and shake off this constant wall of nerves.

To really connect and be sure that I'm heard and not have to worry saying all the right words.

That's what I want but I'm beginning to feel like I block myself from it.

I. Block. Myself.

And then she/I can't get out.

I want her OUT I don't want to be trapped inside this mystery shell. 

This shell that makes no sense because I know better. But it's still there and to something is tethered.

I want to find that poll 

and TAKE IT OUT.

Maybe I've become a fulfillment scout.

Searching for connection when the franticness of it

Is what's blocking it out.

I still don't know who I'm sending this to.

Maybe it's you.

Skydust.

Skydust.

creating the era

where expression was slow

where any sort of care

had a different way to show

where ink and quill governed

and time spanned between

two pieces untethered

from two separate scenes

let’s create the mystic

let’s learn how to dance

let’s be the misfits

and trust in a chance

a chance to test if it’s only just

words

or if an openness must

be heard

a glimmer of starlight

with sparkling in mist

one traveling through so bright

like skydust was kissed

reflect on the river the moon ascends

make ready the quiver of previous amends

then shoot so it soars

and now descends

burst open the moon

and it’s skydust again.