Monday, February 6, 2023

Gingham Protection

 I had a dream last night about a beheading, which lead to a zombie apocalypse, which led to a discovery of a coven in a high school basement. A dream where I ran into my sister who had a surprising way of warding off zombies and an aversion to accepting gifts from cricket-sacrificing witches. It was strange and beautiful. Here's how it went:

The reason for the beheading is blurry, but myself and six other people had upset the governing body of the time (who in my mind was just "parliament") and were sentenced to be beheaded. As I watched the others line up to have their heads sliced off, I screamed. It was as if I felt their pain again and again as their heads, one by one, were severed and rolled. Then something strange happened. Some of the bodies started getting up, heads somehow intact and attached, their mouths bloody and frothing with craze, eyes hungry. They attacked the executioners, who then also became the ravenous undead. I was the only one in the room to get away, and snatched the opportunity to relinquish my culpability in the whole affair as my executioners were no longer capable of performing their assignment or the reporting thereof.

Soon the entire campus, for now it would seem our setting was a high school, was rampant with zombies. I panicked and ran to stay away from them, finding myself going down a flight of stairs I didn't recognize and into the basement of the building. This previously-hidden part of the structure was mysterious and intriguing. The walls were an off-white cement, with symbols of scryings and divinations carved or painted throughout. Most of what I could see was a long hallway, but had small prayer-coves on the end and sides with altars whereupon were placed modest statues or spell-books. Unexpectedly safe from the breakout of the undead above, I felt somehow at ease here, like a force was protecting me. I basked in the feeling for a moment, not fully aware of anything around me. Catching a glimpse of a being approaching one of the shrines near me, I was snapped out of my reverie.

She was dark and beautiful, wrapped in black lace, her hair pulled half-up to show her distinct features. I felt I should tell her of all that happened and ask for her help. I asked her for the most direct way out of the building to avoid the zombies, and she pointed toward a door. Somehow, as she pointed, droves of people also realized this was the safest exit and filed out. Wary, but trusting the apparent wisdom and power of the witch, I found my way through the exodus. Unfortunately, it was difficult to remain protected in the crowd, and several zombies soon pulled me to the ground. One bit into my wrist. I stiffened and screamed, but she stopped, hissing and exclaiming that I tasted awful. The others of her party climbed off me and sought prey elsewhere.

Concerned that I might become infected and transform, but confident that their poison had not yet entered my blood (maybe I was still being protected by the coven...and maybe it was the Gingham Love lotion I recently bought as a Valentines day treat), I went in search of my car. On my way, I found my sister working her way to safety as well. Worried she may have already turned, I whispered to her "are you still you?"

"Yes, I'm just pretending so they think I'm one of them. I'm also pretending to be lesbian as a backup."

...so these zombies are homophobes who are also repelled by preppy lotion scents??...

Somehow we found ourselves back in the underground coven. I had a sense that we were at the north part of the structure. My sister seemed particularly drawn to a shrine at the end of the hallway. She touched one of the symbols engraved on the wall, which shifted and made an unlocking sound. A wooden feature, not unlike a chandelier, started to float down from the ceiling. When it reached us, it opened and revealed a small box, delicately engraved, with a metal latch on the front. She opened it to uncover several glimmering broaches and bracelets. A voice from the female portrait in front of us reassured her that these were a gift to her. She almost took them, but then spoke her discomfort at knowing this particular coven requested sacrifice of crickets. Sure enough, the lid of the delicate box was indicative of her claim: carved to look like a cricket. She turned and left.

I lingered, sensing something unfinished. As I looked around I realized the portrait we heard from was not a women after all, but a very handsome warlock. This discovery was undoubtedly brought on in part because that very warlock was now standing within view, halfway across the room.

He took a few steps forward and addressed me. His manner was not unkind, but I was still afraid, not knowing why he felt to show himself at this time and not earlier. His portrait had obviously been shrouded  while my sister was there -- we had only been aware of the females in this coven up to this point. He spoke his interest in my sister refusing the gift. His tone was sincerely curious rather than malicious or proud, though, so I felt my fear assuage somewhat.

Suddenly another warlock blundered into the room, battered and bloody. He had been attacked by the throng above. He began to explain that, because of his already-existing immortality, he would regain his true form rather than succumb to the infection, but the process was painful and debilitating. He then fully noticed my presence, though the fact that he felt he needed to explain himself as he came in the room told me that he had already been somewhat aware of a mortal guest in his realm. I remember both of them talking with me for a few more moments, but then I woke, the conversation unfinished.

Wednesday, April 7, 2021

Once upon a time you brought me peanut butter M&Ms

For anyone interested in mapping out my heart a bit, this one is connected to this other poem.

Once upon a time you brought me peanut butter M&Ms

Was it love, was it longing, was it hope?

Shaking with emotion as my heart tried to cope

with the realizations I was making about you.

Then in ensuing months as it threatened to come back

And I wanted to accept the thoughts with grace

I let myself feel the feelings

tried not to judge

because I thought maybe I should learn from them before they can budge.


Mixed up with those few times you asked

and I refused.

Wondering if those chances should have been used

if I was pushing not to choose

and if I should not have let us lose

what ended up being the only...

The only chance to make more of those talks on the bench-seat

(on the bench, green stripe

helping me to see the light)


DENIED.

But denied by myself or denied by an else.


So as I let the feelings flow

to observe them and not quite let go

the way I talked to you I thought would show

And so I sat in suspense.

And then nothing.


No indication of a smile, or even a glimpse of deja vu

Nothing to reaffirm the personality I was assigning to you.

To a past you

Who admired me,

inspired me

a special feeling I've been missing

why to those thoughts I've been trying to listen.

FLATTENED.


Opened so much and tapped into the past.

Past me who could talk about these things

Expecting that certain ring...

And I felt it,

Oh, it is so.

But nothing reflecting to show

to let me know

if any of the light I gave caused a glow.


Making too much of a feeling of mine

but then looping back to once upon a time

when you brought me peanut butter M&Ms.

Tuesday, January 19, 2021

Smitten

I believe that, sometimes, it's cathartic to think back and to feel emotions long gone, feelings about parts of your story that are long closed. Our past selves are part of our present self. It's helpful for me to be in tune with myself in this way. Maybe these poetic musings of mine will be cathartic to someone else out there, too.


I was so incredibly

undeniably

smitten with you.


I knew, somewhere in me, the types did not--would not

That I would be forever flustered by your attention

or lack thereof.

 I wondered:

If I was more alluring, more enticing,

less needy

less available

If I would have been viable to you.

Because it wasn't that you weren't ready.

It was that you knew a lack of steady

would be you -- smitten with me.


What changed?

What difference?

Why now a reaction?

"Nothing,"

his response.

Just my persistence

but not even a fraction

of himself did he trust to remain. To give.

To allow to see me and live

in the idea of us.


You could pretend, but were also honest

And I, honest with you and myself said


I was so incredibly

undeniably

smitten with you


That just pretend

I could not do.

Tuesday, October 27, 2020

The Visual, A Dream

 THE VISUAL, A DREAM.

Combining memories and making new.

Recalling what it was like with you

On the bench, green stripe

Helping me to see the light

To be the light

I wanted to be.


Fondness

But conflict

I was pressing against

Expectations

Both and un-expressed

Like I wanted to tempt

My mind away from the known

Denied desire, maybe.

I wanted to be.


I couldn't see

The light.

It began to creep in and we realized

Just how drowsy for the hours we

Had led on and on.

The whole night was gone.


Recollecting

Reconnecting

Redefining

What heart pining

Could mean in my new context.

Too complex.


Too unknown to know.

Mind away from the known...

Could I never have been

There with that certain ring.

Denying the thought for the feeling of aught.

Same then

Same now

But not quite

Different how, now I see more light.


Whole light

But not quite

Just closer to full

Or not?

So I thought a right choice would make full.

Why must the mind reach away from the known.

Is it dullness, is it suspense

I want to be shown


It's hard to say just what.

Denied desire, maybe.

But denied by an else or denied by myself.


Combining memories and making new.

Remember what it was like with you.

What I was like with you.

I see.

Who I wanted to be.

Recollecting.

Reconnecting.

Thursday, June 18, 2020

BLANK SLATE

a foundation
sure in it's makeup but not application
my heart a blank slate, ready to be crafted
without hesitation

defined and designed by another's care and words
refined yet confined by everything is heard

a malleable heart, molded to another
but what to do when the two go asunder?

so ready to be painted by your color and lines
so ready...
allow tainted by unplanned design

unplanned? un-canned. untapped.
contrived to thrive unwrapped.

Wednesday, December 11, 2019

More thoughts about how joy works:

This is a two-part post. Click here to read part one.

Last time we ended on a question:

Do you think God loving us means He wants us to be happy now? Does He care about our immediate, present happiness, or just the happiness we will feel when we return to Him after this earthly journey?

I've thought a lot about this question over the course of the last couple of months. As I've been pondering it, my thoughts have been led to things that help me better understand God's love. What ideas are you led to as you think about this? Some of my ideas are:

  1. Learn more about God's plan for His children. For me, this is best done in the temple. Here, we learn more about the direct result of God's love for us: His PLAN for us to improve in this life and ultimately return to Him. It is His plan for our ultimate happiness. There is a reason we feel good when we worship there, and I'm starting to think that's exactly it.
  2. Study the scriptures looking for examples and teachings of the Plan of Salvation.
  3. Pray. There is something about prayer that opens my heart to feel God's love for me, and the reassurance that comes from that, especially when life feels really difficult.
  4. Help others. In my first post about this, I mentioned a talk from General Conference by D. Todd Christofferson. Another thing he spoke of in his talk was how joy comes when we help show God's love to others. 
Christofferson told the story of a woman, named Joanne, who cared for her husband who was in an accident and was wheelchair-bound for most of their married life. Joanne said that while she was his caregiver, her heart was light. This made me wonder: how could a light heart be the result of such a challenging circumstance? Another question I considered at this point was:

What are the things that make my heart heavy?
How can the potential answers to the other happiness-related questions we've talked about so far help me heart be lighter?

As I thought about Joanne's story and how it applies to me, I wondered what it means for how God helps us. Is His influence, felt through the Spirit, only there to help us help others? What about when I personally need help from Him? Must we hope someone else will follow a prompting to help us individually, rather than receive a blessing or help straight from God? 

I've heard many times that the way God answers prayers is often through the people around us. But thinking that the Spirit doesn't help me directly doesn't sit right with me. The thought makes me disappointed. When I realized it makes me disappointed, I asked myself why I feel that way about it.

...maybe because my brain and heart expect to be helped in specific ways. We're not always conscious of it, but we tend to have pre-defined expectations and ideas for what we want things like answers to prayers, comfort, and help to look like. And we might feel like God isn't helping us if those expectations aren't met.

A couple of weeks ago in a church meeting, something one brother shared made me think about this. He talked about how he and his wife are trying to teach their baby how to fall asleep on her own. (Maybe this stuck out to me because I definitely know how that goes!) This brother talked about how they've been thinking about how their daughter must feel when she discovers she's in her bed instead of in mommy's or daddy's arms. She must feel alone. She must feel abandoned. She might even feel cold, helpless, and overall sad. When we think about this when it comes to babies, we might think it's silly because we know the baby is safe. Mom and dad are right on the other room, and if anything bad were to happen they would be there in a flash. We know this, but the baby doesn't.

This is probably similar to how our relationship with God looks sometimes. All we see is our life, which could be compared to a baby's crib. God knows how to make sure we're safe, and He's always close, kinda like the baby's parents in the other room. Sometimes we just have a hard time remembering He's there. We want His help in a certain way, and usually we want it immediately.

This connects to the next topic I felt I should share. I said in the first post about this that I would talk about two topics. Two topics that I believe go hand-in-hand. The first, which we've spent a lot of time on thus far, has been on how the Gospel of Jesus Christ helps us be happy. The second topic is emotional independence. I think the brother's thoughts about sleep training is a good example of how these topics are connected. Sleep training teaches a baby to independently sleep. God's training for us (you could call it "life training,") helps us independently...life. :)

Now don't get me wrong, we definitely need God in our lives, just like a baby still needs her parents even when she starts to learn things for herself, like sleep. But maybe the way we think we need God could be adjusted. What would it look like to assess the way we expect help to come, and then adjust it? Would we be more satisfied with the way things are? Would we find it easier to be happy?

I mentioned earlier that we each tend to have ways we expect to be helped and comforted, and that we are usually disappointed when these expectations are not met. Sometimes the emotion is actually stronger than disappointment; it may be loneliness, helplessness, sadness, resentment, or a variety of other hard things to deal with feeling. So what if we assessed those expectations? What if we asked ourselves what other ways we can accept help from God (or, for that matter, from others around us)?

Thinking about it this way came from a podcast I recently started listening to. The podcast is called Live from Love and it's by certified life&marriage coach Amanda Louder. It has helped me a lot as I've been dealing with difficult emotions and thoughts about myself, mostly surrounding what we've been talking about in these two posts.

This is Amanda.
@amandaloudercoaching on Instagram

Her podcast really is amazing. I listen to it on Spotify, but I know it's also available on iTunes. Here is her website if you're interested in more information.

One of the main things she talks about is how we each have what she calls a "manual" for how we'd like to be treated and how we expect people to act around us, particularly our spouses. We have a manual for our parents, our co-workers, our spouses, our kids, other drivers on the road, people in line at the grocery, etc. And we are disappointed when people don't follow that manual. Much of her podcast centers around how to be intentional as we think about these manuals, and one thing she talked about really struck me. She said: don't have any expectations of your spouse, or any other loved one. Fulfill your own needs, and just have your loved ones there for you to love.

I'll repeat that.

Don't have expectations of your loved ones. 
Fulfill your own needs, and just have your loved ones there for you to love.

At first this seemed totally unrealistic and dumb to me. No expectations? None? Isn't it okay for me to want to be loved, comforted, and cared for in a certain way? But then she goes on to talk about how the things we feel (loved, comforted, happy, at peace, etc.) all come from our own thoughts. They come from how we perceive things. Our emotions come from how we choose to react to our thoughts, and the idea that we can learn how to control those thoughts, and the emotions that follow them, is actually very empowering.

So, what would happen if we thought differently when it comes to our expectations of God, others, and ourselves? How does that apply to the happiness theme we've been focusing on here? Let's take a good look at what our expectations are of:
  • How we feel happy
  • How God answers our prayers and pleas for help
  • How we feel God's love
Think about how you expect things to look, and then consider how you feel about those expectations. Do you like them? What could you change about them? What would that change look like for you? What if that statement about expectations also applied to God (i.e. don't have any expectations of God. Fulfill your own needs, and just have God there for you to love)? Something I've discovered while thinking and praying about all of these things is that the Lord's help comes in the form of me changing, not from my circumstance getting better or from others being better to me.

What do you think? I love thinking about this stuff, so if you want to keep talking about it with me please know I do NOT think it's weird for you to contact me with questions or comments about what I've shared here. Feel free to contact me and let's keep pondering together.

I invite you to include your Heavenly Father as you ponder and discover things about His love for you, His plan for you, your emotions and expectations, and ultimately how you can look for Christ's example as you decide how to be. 

He loves you.

Thank you for thinking about this with me.

Monday, December 9, 2019

When "joy" sometimes doesn't make sense

This is a two-part post. The second part is linked at the bottom of this post.

Hello friends.
I've had a lot on my mind about the last general conference lately. [For any of my readers who might not be aware, General Conference is a world-wide, weekend-long series of addresses from the leaders of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. It's amazing(!) and I, along with many other members of the Church, look forward to it every six months.] Many of the talks from this last conference (October 2019) hit at exactly what I've been pondering for myself/in my life. Maybe because...

  1. Conference talks have been somewhat correlated with the Come Follow Me manual
  2. Conference talks are often correlated to each other because of the Spirit
  3. the Spirit has bee directing my thoughts, OR
  4. my own brain has been mushing everything together and trying to make something coherent out of all of it.
It's probably all four of those reasons. Because of these four things, I have a lot I feel I should share. I will be sharing a lot of my own recent spiritual/emotional thoughts and journey, and I hope that the questions I've been asking myself will be able to help you ponder and discover as you read through them. The topics I am going to share here are things that made me ask some complex questions of myself, so I want to take a self-reflective journey with you today. My hope is that you allow room for wherever our loving Heavenly Father will guide your thoughts as you read mine.

With that being said, I ask that you pause your reading for a moment. I encourage you to mentally do whatever you need to in order to get into an open, pondering, discovering frame of mine. Think a silent prayer. Take out notes. Clear distractions. Focus. Whatever you normally do when you want to deeply listen to your thoughts (and to God).

...read on once you're ready...

The two topics my thoughts will be centered on are:
  1. How the Gospel (or following God's plan for us) helps us be happy
  2. Emotional independence
I have been discovering that these topics are closely tied together. A talk in this last General Conference, given by D. Todd Christofferson, was the talk that initiated these thoughts for me. He reminded us how living God's plan for us (often called the Plan of Salvation by members of the LDS Church) and becoming Christ-like will bring us joy.

Question: What is it about the Gospel of Jesus Christ and living it that is supposed to bring us joy in this life?



We've heard time and again how living the Gospel is meant to help us be happy. How? Why? I'll repeat Christofferson's answers: living the Plan of Salvation and becoming Christlike will bring us joy.

Christ is the ultimate example of, well, everything we should strive to be. That applies to his example to us of living the Gospel. And while he likely wasn't constantly happy in a peppy, smiley, bubbles and sparkles sort of way (which is the imagery that comes to mind for me when I think of the concept of "happy"), I like to think He was/is pretty emotionally well-adjusted.

The harsh words of others didn't crush Him.

Things looking stressful or chaotic didn't send Him into a frenzy (read: totally me)

Most days, He didn't even know where He would eat or sleep, and that didn't seem to effect His mood or His ability to love and reach out to others.

He was so in tune with His Father that the things that weigh you and me down in this life had less effect on Him and He was able to simply listen to and follow the Spirit (fairly calmly, it seems to me) throughout His life. I'm not yet wise enough to know how exactly to define happiness, but I think the peace and assurity of living 100% in line with the Spirit is pretty dang close to what happiness is meant to be. Let's think about that prospect for a second See how this statement sits with you:

Happiness is the peace and assurity that comes 
from living 100% in line with the Spirit.

Do you agree with that? What about it rings true for you? What about it doesn't feel quire right, or what would you edit about it?

For me, when I think of how the Gospel is meant for us to be happy, my brain searches for examples to show me how that could be true. Christ is the ultimate example of that. Studying His life helps me know what it could look like to have a life 100% in line with the Spirit, because He lived that life. And I don't doubt He's still living it. 

How else does the Gospel bring us joy? Christofferson focused on the Plan of Salvation. Why? Is it because we look forward to a better life in the eternities than we have now? My mind initially resists that notion, because I've found that having a "grass is greener on the other side" or an "I'll be happy when fill-in-the-blank" attitude usually leads to disappointment. Isn't looking forward to eternity simply expecting that everything problematic in our lives will magically go away when we die? What about joy now? Doesn't our Father in Heaven want us to have joy now, not just at the prospect of something better in the future?

Think about that for a second. Do you think God loving us means He wants us to be happy now? Does He care about our immediate, present happiness, or just the happiness we will feel when we return to Him after this earthly journey?

This is a BIG question. And because it's such a big question, I am going to leave the question with you to think about until I finish these thoughts in my next post.

Here is the question again: Do you think God loving us means He wants us to be happy now? Does He care about our immediate, present happiness, or just the happiness we will feel when we return to Him after this earthly journey?

Here are two thoughts to consider as you ponder on that question:

One: I have found that I feel more joy when I learn more about God's love for me. Learning just how much God loves me produces a kind of intangible, joyous effect -- kind of like magic. So, how can we come to understand more about God's love for us so we can have more of those happy-making effects?

Two: I want to insert a disclaimer here that I'm not talking about happiness as a peppy-smiley, bubbles and sparkles. I mean happiness as I described it earlier: as the peace and assurity that comes from being 100% in line with the Spirit. This doesn't mean achieving/finding happiness will get rid of all our problems. It doesn't mean all of our emotions will be pleasant and positive. I think happiness and joy are deeper and more complex emotions than that.

Here's the question one more time: Do you think God loving us means He wants us to be happy now? Does He care about our immediate, present happiness, or just the happiness we will feel when we return to Him after this earthly journey?

Sit with that for a while. Ask God to help direct your thoughts so that you can discover what HE has in store for you to learn. And then write down the answers you receive. I am a firm believer that writing something down helps our minds learn it better.

Until next time. (Click here for the second part of this post.)

<3

Tuesday, November 5, 2019

Fit.

it doesn't fit
it never will
so stop trying to try

convinced yourself
to have your fill
must have that reply

all this left wanting
ideas of it haunting
prodding until
you must address
and confess
the effect is still

there.
where.
trying to find.

swimming and spinning
no peace of mind
of any kind

open again
when you thought it was closed
it didn't fit
it never would
so what am I supposed

to do
to think
re do
re think
new hit
to fit

Sunday, June 16, 2019

Christ Understands, Literally

My scripture study this week led me to think on some things that are incredibly important to me. They are centered around a question at the core of my beliefs--actually, at the core of Christianity as a whole. These things I explored and am about to share with you are things I have often felt I should understand more fully, things I believe in but my ability to articulate them and feel confident in my knowledge behind them have, in my opinion, come up wanting. I say "things," but it all enters on one particular, all-encompassing thing:

The Atonement of Jesus Christ.

I've had a question travel through my head several times over the past few months. That question is:

"What exactly do I believe about Jesus Christ, and what scriptural backing is there behind those beliefs?"

My thoughts around this question focus on a particular aspect of my beliefs about our Savior: the ever-important night in the Garden of Gethsemane. I've always been taught that Christ has a perfect understanding of everything we go through in life, not just the things related to sin but also every pain of spirit, body, heart, and mind that we experience here on earth. This belief has been my lighthouse in the fog of life, my anchor in storms of doubt and worry. He understands my heartbreak. He has felt my anxieties. He knows what I go through in the times I feel alone, unimportant, unqualified, or unloved. He even understands the more petty things like jealousy or boredom, and the more temporary things (a.k.a things that only apply to this mortal life) like financial worry, career choices, and even meal planning.

I could not function in life without the knowledge that Christ knows how I feel in all of my circumstances and emotions. I've taken comfort in this belief since I started learning of Christ and praying with Him in my mind and heart when I was around 6 years old. But, in Sunday School a few weeks ago, the thought came to mind that my understanding is that Christ's ability to have this perfect empathy is because of what happened in the Garden of Gethsemane, and that the actual accounts of the Garden in the New Testament don't substantiate that belief. This was a huge challenge for me, because it meant that my core beliefs about how Christ is involved in my life don't have a scriptural source. That the testimony I've held on to came merely by word of mouth from parents and teachers.

But that couldn't be right. I was sure I had found scriptures that resonate with what I have felt since I can remember. I thought about this on and off in the following weeks, but never felt directed to any particular scriptures. Or, rather, any scriptures I turned to didn't seem to have the content I wanted. Any time the Garden of Gethsemane or the Atonement has been brought up recently, I've felt a twinge of worry and doubt cross my heart. However, I've also felt an excitement and determination to learn more. This past Friday as I opened up my "Come, Follow Me" study guide, I was thrilled to see this week's study topic: "Not as I will, but as Thou wilt." It was about Christ's experience in the Garden! I delved into the contents of the lesson and found scriptures that brought solace to my soul and joy to my heart. I want to record those scriptures and thoughts here, so that I can refer back to them when I need them, but also in hopes that they can help someone else understand more about our Savior, Jesus Christ, too:

Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows (Isaiah 3:4)

He shall suffer temptations and pain of body, hunger, thirst, and fatigue, even more than man can suffer (Mosiah 3:7)

And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people. And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities. (Alma 7:11-12)

The Lord searcheth all hearts, and understandeth all imaginations of the thoughts: if thou seek him, he will be found of thee (1 Chronicles, 28:9)

This is not the first time I've read these phrases. In fact, many of them were already marked in my scriptures. It is, however, the first time they resonated with me in the way they did this week. These were the answers I had been searching for. Our Savior truly knows us. He understands everything we go through. He knows how to comfort and guide us because He has experienced it all "according to the flesh" (a.k.a in the exact same way we do).


He wants us to live our lives in the most fulfilling way possible. He promises us: "I am come that they might have life, and they they might have it more abundantly" (John 10:10). Or, if we adjust those words to have a more personal tone:

I am come that you might have life, and that you might have it more abundantly.

Connecting these scriptures to the questions I've had in my mind these past few months has given me a new understanding of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. I will not pretend I understand it in its entirety, but my beliefs have certainly been strengthened, as has my resolve to intentionally include Christ in my life from day to day. I hope you feel the same result from pondering with me.

Wednesday, May 22, 2019

Moses and a Unicorn

I have an announcement--I've finished all 5 books of Moses! I've been on a journey to study the Old Testament since the beginning of the year. Five months in and I just turned the last page of Deuteronomy. Due to the fact that most of the content is laws (and interpretations of laws and repetition of laws), of which I only had short ponderings not enough to create an entire post, this is only my fourth post throughout my studies. I did, however, have a couple of thoughts to share today.

The second to last chapter in Deuteronomy is Moses' blessing (a.k.a God's blessing) to each tribe of Israel. I've been encouraged to study the duties and blessings to the individual tribes of Israel before, but never found a scripture that I feel gives me much to think on, and while these verses are very symbolic (or possibly because of that), I got something out of them today:

"[Joseph's] glory is like the firstling of his bullock, and his horns are like the horns of unicorns: with them he shall push the people together to the ends of the earth: and they are the ten thousands of Ephraim and they are the thousands of Manasseh." --Deut. 33:17

I paid special attention to this verse because in a blessing from my Stake Patriarch I was told my heritage is the tribe of Ephraim. I hardly ever see Ephraim mentioned, so lately I've noted the few times that it is. The wording of pushing the people made me realize that the special duty of the tribe of Joseph (and by extension his sons, Ephraim and Manasseh) is to unify the people. To bring them together. The choice to use the image of a magical horse/unicorn is something I'm still trying to figure out, but I like the sparkly-ness it brings to the old testament.

On a completely different note:

"...neither did he acknowledge his brethren, not knew his own children: for they have observed thy word, and kept they covenant" --Deut. 33:9

This verse is likely commending a part of the tribes of Israel for their adherence to the covenants they had made, but I read it differently today. It made me wonder: are there times when we only pay attention to those who are lost? Do we only acknowledge those who are off the covenant path, thinking that all is well with those who seem to be living right? This leads me to think how I can better support the people around me, because even if everything in their lives seems to be going fine, all of us need to be acknowledged and supported.