It's ok, I have trouble understanding me, too.

Stripes = way more emotional breakdowns than she's used to. I used to not get those, but lately they've come pretty often. My guess is it's a combination of lack of sleep, lack of food, hormones, and just life in general. Whatever it is, it's weird. These breakdowns only last - at the most - half an hour. When they happen I just feel totally hopeless and that almost nothing will help. For those of you who are around when this happens, I apologize. But, you've been such a great help to me. I'd be even more of a wreck without you! I love you all, I really do.

I had one of those breakdowns today. I get frustrated with my mistakes very easily, and I've been making a lot of them - specifically on the rifle. It seemed every time I tried- I'd mess up, and I didn't know how to fix it. But, as one of my good friends [who happens to be very good at spinning] said: You don't become an expert over night. Ironically enough, I did just learn this stuff yesterday, so that saying was very much applicable. I still felt very very hopeless, and I wanted to cease to exist. Not a happy feeling, not at all. However, I just needed some pep-talk type stuff. Thanks a TON to Sync, Jess, and Jecca - I feel better now.

Interestingly, I find myself having more dedication after every time it seems hopeless. I didn't know any more dedication could fit in me! But, it can, 'cause I feel it. And this is why I'm sticking to Colorguard, I just have such a passion for it. I have another person to say thanks to. This person suggested I join guard in the first place, and I wouldn't have something I love so much if it weren't for him. Thanks John!

I laugh at myself for being such a mess. But, I'll get the hang of these silly breakdowns soon. And, I'll get better at spinning, with all this over-the-top dedication. Then I'll be completely and extremely happy! Woohoo!

Just Words

I read over and over,
The words which you said
And when I've finished reading,
They run through my head.
How I feel when these words find me,
Is hard to express.
But I know they make me happy,
And well, you know the rest.
I feel my words are inadequate,
Next to those perfect lines.
You know you're good with words,
So was it just that the whole time?
Just words?

Were you only toying?
Are you easily trusted,
Or do I trust too easily?
I don't care what part of my mind thinks,
I believe those words really are for me.
Still I can't help but have some doubt.

Do I build hope too fast?
Is it not how I made it seem?
Those powerful words...
Did the feeling behind them
Run away with the stream?
Are they
Just words?

I think not. How can they be?
Something so sincere...
And I once again convince myself
That you really do care.

How did I do that? How did I make myself see
That all your words are true?
I remember
The way you look at me when we part
Those eyes that always make me smile
And somehow in my heart
I know.